Isness

A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to the child, finished and complete. A self is always becoming. Being does mean becoming, but we run so fast that is only when we seem to stop–a sitting on the rock at the brook–that we are aware of our own isness, of being. But eventually this is not static, for this awareness of being is always a way of moving from selfish self–the self image–towards the real.

Who am I , then? Who are you?
~Madeleine L’Engle, A Circle or Quiet, 1972.

I can’t decide if this idea scares me or relieves me.

I’m not a fan of change. I don’t like moving. (Hush Joe. Just because I have moved a lot doesn’t mean I like it.) The older I get the harder I find having everything in chaos. It feels like the edges of my self are blurred when nothing is in its place; when I don’t know the multiple ways around and through a town. And yet that seems ridiculous, doesn’t it? Absurd that I would be so defined by the kin, if you will, of my environment.

On the other hand, thank goodness my “isness” is changing. There are so many versions of my self out there that I would prefer to never visit. How relieving it is to know that I don’t have to be the same, always.

How scary, though, the thought that neither does anyone else.

Advertisements

It’s Kismet Baby! or How I found The Carb Lover’s Diet

For most of June, J.D. and I had been talking around what we should try to do to get control of our weight.  We had been successful, in a time before Bean, on Weight Watchers.  And we considered going back to that.  OKOK, J.D. considered going back to that.  I really didn’t want to.

For the record, the WW program works.  But I have done it, repeatedly.  Obviously it isn’t going to work for me long-term.  The first time I did WW, I was eleven.  (Yes, eleven, so the Ginnifer Goodwin story wasn’t all that shocking to me.)  I tried it again in graduate school and again in my late twenties.  And despite following the program (the last time I was on for almost 2 years) and being every active, I have never gotten closer than 20lbs to my goal weight. The open boundaries of the program is a problem for a girl who can put down a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in a sitting.  (What?!)   Also, there isn’t anything new to help things along after you have been on program (in WW speak) for a long time, no Advanced WW if you will.

Regardless of my reasons, it all came down to the fact that I didn’t want to do that again. I needed something to force a change.  I wanted to be excited about my prospects.  And, let’s not beat around the bush here, I want to lose the weight.

In the midst of this, a newsletter from the Birmingham Blogging Academy showed up in my inbox.  The funny thing is that I opened it because I thought it was about Kathryn Tucker Windham, and I was looking for inspiration for my work blog.  (In my defense, the title of the newsletter was “The Greatest Story Teller in Alabama” and she had died a little over a week before.)  But the newsletter turned out to be about The Jen West Quest. 

I’m not going to say that I was immediately sold, but it is hard to argue with Jen’s success on the Carb Lover’s Diet.  As I read though the posts, the actual CLD website FAQ and looked more closely at the plan itself, it seemed like a really good fit. It many ways, the plan is close to how we were eating anyway.  The tweaks were familiar and (mostly) welcome.  Many of the reasons behind the plan were sound and the wiggle room was straight forward, leaving room for a glass of wine, beer, and ice cream.  The website filled in the gaps of information, like questions I had about my husband trying a 1200 calorie diet for a week.  (The answer:  most men should consume 300-400 more/day.)  The diet also received a balanced review from WebMD.  And best of all?  It was planned out for me.

Again, I realize that some folks don’t want a plan, but I wanted the responsibility of meal planning off of my shoulders.  First of all, I have a hard time finding time to do it.  Second, I find the whole process so cumbersome that I have learned to loathe doing it.  So here it was!  This plan could be as tailored and fussy as I wanted it to be.  AND if I didn’t want that, here was a weekly meal plan.  Some where in the back of my mind a woman yelled, “HAVE AT IT ALREADY!”

I was sold.

Sharing is Caring

Last night, JD and I went out with some friends.  This being the first week of our new diet, we were a little hesitant about it.  We turned down a dinner invitation earlier in the week because we were unsure if we would be able to align the incredibly restrictive first week of the diet with what would be served.  (More about the actual diet later.)  When turning down the invitation JD explained that we were trying a new diet. And again last night, after we met friends at On Tap, JD shared with everyone that we were on a diet.  I cringed inwardly both times.

Thinking about it this morning, I wonder why I was unwilling to share this exciting and potentially life changing decision to go on this diet, when my husband was perfectly happy to spread the news around.  And now that I’ve been poking at the feeling for a while, I think I know why I was afraid to explicitly share this part of my life with my friends and family, while being perfectly willing to share it with strangers.

[Deep Breath].  I’m afraid that the people closest to me will under-appreciate the effort.  I’m afraid they will make light of it, if not outright undermine the effort.  Also, I think I’m afraid that by admitting I’m on a diet, I reveal to them a way that I have failed.  (As if they hadn’t noticed.  As if they didn’t have eyes.)  And ultimately, I’m afraid that when they realize that I’m a failure, they won’t want to be associated me anymore. You know.  Because I’m not perfect.

Do I have some baggage?  Boy howdy!

The good news?  After sharing with family (the week night dinner we turned down) and friends (last night), everyone is still talking to us. Shocker, I know.  And we successfully laid down a plan and navigated the great temptation of bar food and beer by eating before we went and having a set number of beers we were allowed to enjoy.  Also, Sam Adams was on special last night, so obviously the universe was feeling friendly.  🙂